My Letter to Edward
by blackberryhunttress
Summary: Twi-hards beware. An entertaining amount of pointlessness that pokes fun at my inner fan-girl. And refers to a smexy Goblin King. One-shot


Dear Edward Cullen,

Why You Fail.

_Numero Uno:_ You are a man who sparkles. More importantly you are a man who sparkles AND doesn't _own _it. Note prime example of owning it: the Goblin King. Not only is it fantastical, but also intimidating and manly.

-And yes, sparkles _can_ be manly. (Shows what you know)

_Reason B:_ You are not man-enough to wear the pants in your relationship. Especially these… _hmm-mm, please ignore the drool_. (Not confident enough to wear 'em, eh? …It still shows.)

_Choo-choo Train:_ What do you mean my numberings off? Alright this is the next reason: Jareth doesn't _whine_ about other people's mistakes. It's not worth his time, so he makes some witty comment and then smirks in an oh-so delicious manner. Can you smirk Eddy? No, you've only got that crooked grin. Not nearly as satisfying.

_Next:_ His girl _knows_ she's special. He let her go through that whole self-confidence building ordeal and never once did he stop her from achieving her goal. (_Not that he didn't try but I really don't see your point here.)_ She knows she's just as good as him, she said so herself. Unfortunately for you, Bella is completely filled with self-doubt, always questioning her trust in you. Getting a little clingy, isn't she?

_Continuing:_ _Jareth_ didn't leave Sarah! And don't pull the whole she left him spiel. He followed her and continues to watch over her. You left Bella, and how many times was she almost killed before being driven into the arms of another man? Hmmm?

_Onward:_ Where are your minions? The ones that bow at your feet and tremble in your wake? _I_ don't see them. Where's your castle and terrifying labyrinth? Oh that's right… you're _not_ a king. Oopsie!

_Finally:_ Only a _real_ man could burst into dramatic song whenever he wanted to and still garner the respect of everyone around him. Do not disagree. We all know the truth. You just can't sing. _(And he's more fun than you.)_

_Ooh!_- Not to forget-His Hair. Because only the Goblin King can pull off a mullet and still look badass. I mean, really, why the heck did you cut your hair? You do realize _it'll never grow back!_ You're stuck like that for the rest of eternity. I pity you.

So Edward this is why you fail, because basically it all comes down to this:

No matter what you do, Jareth's already done it better.

You Fail.

_My letter to Edward,_

_a.k.a.- I might just be a twisted fan-girl._

P.S.- And don't even call the whole, 'mind-reading' power in your favor. Because frankly, Jareth doesn't need it. There's only one thing on everyone's mind when he walks into the room.

* * *

><p><strong>Alright, there is a reason why I'm not allowed to watch television. It gives me ideas. But despite all the warnings and past pit-falls that my family and I have suffered through, I still manage to get access to tv and ... this is what happens. I know, Twi-hards are <em>hating<em> on me but I can't help it. I follow the inner fan-girl's directions. That and... she's the pervert. I'm perfectly innocent. _ I'm sure you all believe that. **

**I saw Labyrinth for the _first time ever_ this past weekend after reading fanfiction for another couple and the story made references to it. At the end of the note the author said that anyone who hadn't seen the movie yet was leading a sad, lonely life and she pitied them. After watching it...I COMPLETELY AGREE! I have no earthly idea how in the world I went so long without this movie, because it is MY genre. Down to a 'T'. Besides that, Jareth... my God, David Bowie is the best freakin' villain EVER and I have no idea how he doesn't have a longer acting career than what he does. His voice is like, gah, PERFECTION! But after re-watching it, I've decided that the main attraction (**_besides the pants _**) is the fact that he _smirks._ Like, not just a smug grin, but actually smirks. There actually aren't a whole lot of villains who can pull it off and still look mischievious and dare I say it, hot. **

**-If you guys think this is disturbing, just think about poor me. I've detested blonds as possible boyfriend material for so long just on principle, so this is turning my freakin' world upside down. Nothing personal, I just like my men tall, _dark,_ and handsome, so I mainly stick with brunetts and brown melted-chocolate eyes. Mmm.**

_But those pants..._ **Inner fan-girl, shut-up!**

**So to all those Twi-hards who are currently cursing the computer I type on,... you should wish that the Goblins would come and take me away, _right now._ ...That'll teach me.**

**Disclaimer: I unfortunately do not own either Labyrinth or Twilight. And I borrowed some of the numbering from The Skit Guys gag-interpretation of Adam and Eve, hilarious by the way. But if I had the money I'd probably be putting in some offers for Jareth. _..._The fan-girl made me do it._ **


End file.
